Today im sharing a blog post for a collaboration that didn’t end up working out. Since its been a trying week and today is World Mental Health day I felt like it was a good time to share. I originally wrote this back in the winter in the midst of the terrible twos, but for some reason this week seems like we are right back there, but toddler is 6 months older.
Ok mamas (and dadas), I’m just going to put it out there. Two is hard. Like, really, really hard. I’m definitely one of those people who loved the newborn, infant, and pre-two year old phases. But two? It’s kicking my butt.
I do appreciate that my now-two year old’s ability to form and express his own opinions is a great achievement, but I’m often left wondering where my easy-going, tote around everywhere, smiley, agreeable little guy went. And it’s tiring— no, exhausting... frustrating... patience testing... and stressful.
The months approaching two started to fill with tantrums— like throw himself on the floor and scream for 45 minute type of tantrums. And the tantrums seemed to come out of nowhere if something wasn’t quite right. And the resolution to those tantrums was just as random— he’d suddenly snap out of it and be right as rain.
As a person who lives with an auto-immune disease that manifests itself (amongst many other frustrating symptoms) as a general feeling of anxiety, the last few months have been a true struggle, mentally. As a mama, and as part of my personality, when something is wrong I just want to fix it. So dealing with tantrums with no predictability did a number on me. I did everything I knew how to do— I signed out dozens of books from the library on toddler behaviour. I talked to friends and relatives who have been through this before. And yet, each time a tantrum or other unsavoury two-year old behaviour arose I continued to be a scrambled mess and felt totally out of control. In addition to feeling anxious about the tantrums I was beginning to feel depressed about my inability to deal with or control my toddler.
After one particularly bad weekend and a conversation with my husband, I realized that in addition to trying to “fix” my toddler’s behaviour through parenting techniques, I needed to take care of me. If I was taking care of my own mental wellbeing, I’d be better able to cope when my toddler lost his mind.
I’m so lucky that my employer offers a family assistance program that is free for all employees to access. I immediately logged on and began some of their cognitive behavioural therapy courses on dealing with anxiety and depression. The courses allowed me to zero in on triggers or cues that led to anxious and negative thoughts.
I also refreshed myself on some mindfulness based stress reduction techniques that I’d learned in the past— so when anxiety started creeping up, or when I was dwelling on the negative, I would use the techniques to move to a better headspace.
I also went to the doctor. I have struggled to get my medication levels right to treat my auto-immune disease, and I told him that I needed more attention. I needed him to monitor my blood levels more closely, and to adjust my medicine more frequently if necessary. I advocated for myself and it was completely necessary. It’s so easy (and understandable) to fall off your doctor’s radar if you don’t speak up because they assume all is well. Since seeing my doctor I’ve changed my dosage and, as I told my husband last week, I feel like a completely different person. I don’t feel like a cloud is hanging over me or that my toddler’s tantrums are a sign of years of behavioural problems ahead.
As mamas and dadas, we are taxed to the max on so many fronts. Keeping our children safe and happy. Keeping our houses somewhat clean. Making sure there’s enough laundry washed so that everyone has something to wear the next day. Going to work so we can provide for our family. Making sure there is food on hand, and then turning it into something everyone can eat. In our family’s case, we are incredibly lucky that our employer offers the option of working a compressed week so that we can have most Fridays off. But the trade off is that we are up at 5:30, out the door by 6:30, toddler is dropped at daycare by 7:00, picked back up at 5:15, and we’re not back home until almost 6pm. Then it’s time for dinner and the whole bedtime routine. Everyone is exhausted, and it’s no wonder we are all tired and fit to be tied most weeknights. And that our toddler has tantrums... and that we get frustrated with those tantrums.
I’m confident that our situation is not unique and it’s probably not even nearly as stressful as many other families in our community. As I said— we are so lucky that we have three day weekends to catch up after the work week. But it really brings to light the importance of making the time to prioritize your own well being. Even if it’s just for a little while each week. Taking care of you, by extension, helps you to take better care of your family.
So today on World Mental Health Day I encourage you to take a minute and think of one or two things you can do to take care of you, and try to do them this long weekend. I promise you’ll feel refreshed!
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